HAPPY NEW YEAR!!-2013

Happy New Year!    I can’t believe we’ve finally closed the chapter of the year 2012.  It was quite an eventful year to say the least.   As I was lying awake on New Year’s Eve, waiting for the ball to drop, the only one still awake in my household, I started to think what a year it’s been.    We had no idea what we were about to face when we went into the year 2012.  It was by far one of the most difficult times of our life for Justin and me and our family.  From numerous failed Pet Scans to finding out the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes and then ultimately to his brain.  A few major surgeries, more doctor appointments than I can count, radiation,  treatments and shedding what felt like gallons of tears throughout the year.   We definitely weren’t prepared for that path.  But God is good…. and if you ask either one of us if we’d go through it again; we’d both say yes.  Why you ask?......Well for numerous reasons.  We both learned so much about ourselves and our faith.  The generosity that we experienced from not only people we knew but also people we never even meant before was astonishing.  But what was even more amazing was experiencing God and having him so real and evident in our daily lives.   Our faith grew so much throughout this past year.  And in the mist of turmoil, experiencing situations that Satan meant for bad and to tear us apart, God made good.  He blessed us, our marriage and our family more than we could have ever imagined.  And we ended the year with a second clean pet scan on December 20^th. 

Today Justin was back at Moffit to start the second round of his treatments that are every other week.  He goes one day every other week for a 120 minute infusion and six shots in his upper thigh.  He will continue this for the next 3 months.  After that he will than only have to go approximately once every 1-3 months for the next couple years.  So very manageable.  This treatment is a phase 1 trial drug.  Moffitt claims that it’s the miracle drug.  They are only allowing 32 people to test out this drug and Justin was participant number 29.  So we are even blessed that he was able to be part of this trial drug.  As far as side effects.    He’s very fatigue.  He is still working but he’s usually asleep on the couch snoring by 8pm.  Upset stomach and diarrhea are the other 2 main side effects.  Poor guy is constantly in the bathroom.  But he’s not giving up.  He’s been such a trooper again and honestly even though the treatment sucks its nothing in his eyes compared to what he’s been through in the past.  And also knowing it’s kept the cancer away makes it much easier to deal with.

So we are feeling very blessed entering into 2013. We were able to be part of a miracle and to give God all the glory for it was worth it all.  We don’t know what the future holds or what 2013 will bring us.  But we have the confidence in Christ Jesus that no matter what we are faced with we know that God will carry us through.   Thank you for being a part of this journey with us.  We both pray that God would richly bless your lives in 2013.  Happy New Year!

Justin is CANCER FREE!!!!

Psalms 30:2-3 “O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.  O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.”

Praise God!  He has healed my husband and he is now considered cancer free!!!

A week ago today Justin went in for his 3 month body scan and MRI to see if the cancer was gone completely or if it had spread.  Statistically it was to be expected to most likely have spread to another location in his brain.  We were both prepared to hear the worst.  But yet we both had peace about it.  So even though we were going in with high hopes, we also were prepared to be told that it had spread and that he’d be going back under the knife for more brain surgery.  But God is good! 

First of all his body scans came back clear!  His MRI of where they surgically removed the tumor 3 months ago came back clear!  And the other tumor that they did radiosurgery on was still there and had grown a tiny tiny bit but the doctor was positively certain that the tumor was dead (meaning it was cancer free) and the size increase were only a result of the brain still swelling from surgery and radiation.  So completely normal.   Some people have asked how can Justin be cancer free if that tumor is still showing that it’s there???  Well the best way I can describe it is, think of if an animal was shot and killed with a gun.  Yes the animals’ body would still be there even though the animal was dead.  So same thing with the tumor; the tumor is still there but its dead, meaning it’s cancer free and not growing anymore.

Can you believe this???  I still feel as if we are living a dream.  This miracle is sometimes too much to wrap my mind around at times.  We were so use to constantly receiving bad news at every appointment and every previous scan that it was almost becoming the “norm”.  I’ve had tears of joy on a few occasions this past week.  My God has healed my husband.  We both have a breath of fresh air, almost the feeling as if he’s had a second chance at life.  We both have learned so much this past year about ourselves and our walks and faith.  And even though you might think this is crazy, if we both had the chance to not go through this trial the last year and a half I know we both would choose to face it all over again.  There’s a sense of joy to know that God has used you to be part of his miracle.

Praise God!  My husband is cancer free!!!

So what’s next??.......This past Monday we were at Moffitt and Justin was getting screened, more test ran, blood work, and consent papers to sign for the trial drug that he will be on for the next 2-3 years at least.  This is basically our only option right now and it’s either this drug or do nothing.  Well we chose to take this preventative drug in hopes that the cancer doesn’t return.  Justin’s oncologist thinks very highly of this trial drug.  It’s only been out for 2.5 years and in the words of Justin’s oncologist, he said “before this drug I’d give Justin 2-3 months”.  So in other words this drug is going to be the miracle drug.  But we know the miracle healer is God! 

Praise God for working another miracle and healing my husband!

So what is this trial drug???.......It’s a Phase 1 trial of a vaccine combining multiple class I Peptides and montanide ISA 51 VG with escalating doses of Anti-PD-2 Antibody BMS-936558 for patients with resected Stage IV Melanoma, NCI protocol P-8316.  For those of you who understand what that means; Great!  For those of you like me who don’t understand that, than just know that it’s a trial drug that Moffitt is doing to see if they can prove that this medication will prolong or prevent Melanoma from coming back.  Right now it has not been proven but they are having a great success rate at about 30%.    However Justin should feel privileged, because he is 1 of the 30 people in the whole world who have ever been treated with this drug.  Up until now there have only been 29 people who have taken this drug.  So he’s the lucky 30^th person.  So with only 30 people it’s hard to have too many factual statistics just yet.  But the good news is, since it’s only a Phase 1 trial he will have the actual drug and NOT the placebo.

Side effects…….Well the paperwork says that there may be side effects that aren’t known yet just because the drug is so new.  But some of the likely ones so far have been nausea or urge to vomit, fevers and chills, fatigue or tiredness, headache, joint pains, diarrhea, abnormal function of the thyroid gland, inflammation or damage to the tissue surrounding where the drug is injected.  Itching, Skin rash with presence of macules and papules.  And then the less likely side effects are; well let’s just not even mention them because we hope he doesn’t experience any of them.   And then of course there are always those couple people who don’t have any side effects.  And we are hoping for that!

His treatment schedule will be…….For the first 6 months he will go once every two weeks for a 90 minute injection and then 6 shots in his leg.  These will be about 5 hour days at Moffitt.  Than after those first 6 months assuming everything is going good he’ll than only go once every 3 months for the next 2 years.  If not longer.  One of the questions we had was what happens when he stops taking this drug?  Will the cancer come back immediately or not at all?  The doctor couldn’t answer that because he said it’s so new they haven’t had anyone come off the drug yet so he’s not sure what will happen.  He actually said the next question he has for the drug company is how long can a patient stay on this drug.  If it prevents it from coming back can he stay on it for life?  We don’t have an answer to that yet.  Right now he’s just the 30^th ginny pig to take this and we are hoping he’s the 30^th miracle story that the cancer is gone for good!

So our journey isn’t over yet.  We still have a lot ahead of us.  But that’s not stopping us from rejoicing and praising our heavenly father that he has cleared his body of the cancer completely right now even though statistically it shouldn’t be. 

Did I say Praise the Lord my hubby is cancer free!!!!!

I don’t think I mentioned yet but his treatments start tomorrow.  We will be arriving at Moffitt bright and early at 7:30am. 

I can’t thank you all enough for your prayers and support throughout this last year and a half.  Justin made a comment the other day, he said, “I wonder how many people have prayed for me?”  It’s actually an overwhelming thought when you think about it because we’ve had people in other states that we don’t even know contact us and say they’ve been praying.  God says where two or more are gathered in his name…..Well I think it’s been more like hundreds or thousands or more for Justin.  He is truly a miracle in the making. 

My hubby is cancer free!!!!

I’ll be driving down the road and I’ll just get goose bumps and a big smile across my face when I think about it.  God is good and we are to praise him in the storms but boy is it so much easier to praise him in the glory times!

But I encourage each of you to NOT stop praying.  God answers our prayers.  May not be in our timing or with what we think is best but he does answer them in his perfect timing with his perfect answer for our lives.    God heard our pleas…..  I thank you all!  I just wish you all could see our hearts and the gratitude we have for each and every one of you because your prayers were heard by God which in result YOU were part of the miracle!

And I just want to say one last thing.  My husband is awesome!!!  We were having lunch the other day together.  Just the two of us.  I looked across the table at his handsome face and all the outwardly scares that this battle of cancer has left him.  Some are permanent scares and others will fade with time.  But they are all a reminder of what he’s been through.  He’s been through hell.  A hell that most people including myself would probably just give up and say I’m done!  But he hasn’t done that.  He has been so strong and positive throughout this whole process.  He has woken up and gone to work to provide for his family on days were he probably just wanted to stay in bed because he felt so sick.  He’s pulled himself together and attended family functions for the kids and I when he probably would rather not leave the house.  He has put a smile on his face and spoke positive words when others would only see the negative.  He jokes and makes light of his outwardly scares and if it weren’t for those scares people wouldn’t even know he is sick because he handles it so well and looks so great.   He has faced this tough battle, the past year and a half, head on with the best attitude that just leaves me amazed that someone can handle such a tough time so great!  I am so proud of him!  And with that I pray that he has no negative side effects from this drug. 

Here’s to the next chapter of our life…….The next 3 years of Justin’s treatment.

Luke 18:27 “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”

Summers Over!

I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since Justin’s brain surgery.  Overall he is doing great!

Exactly one week after his surgery he went back for the radiosurgery which pin pointed the tumor that they were not able to remove during surgery.  We will not know if it was successful till September 26^th when he goes back for his next scan.  And then a week after that we headed to Georgia for a much needed family vacation. 

 

My parents took the whole family to Georgia and all 16 of us stayed in a big cabin for 7 days. We had the best time!  

We played games. 

 

 

Went fishing.

 

 

Swam in the river.

 

 

Relaxed.

 

 

 

Went tubing a couple times.

 

 

Cooked meals together.

 

 

And ate together.

 

 

Played capture the flag.....Or at least dressed up and pretended we did. lol  I think dressing up in camo was more fun than actually playing.

 

 

It was so so nice. Something we desperately needed! Thank you mom and Cy for a week of wonderful memories that will last a lifetime!

The week we came back Justin started his five days straight of radiation.   It wasn’t supposed to have too many side effects but it definitely still stole away some of his energy and he has lost patches of hair that is still yet to come back.  But those are minor side effects in the scheme of things. 

He was on steroids for two months to help with the brain swelling.  The first few weeks were hard adjusting to it.  They made him very irritable and on edge.  So the kids and I got the best of it.   But he quickly realized that the steroids were making him crazy and his family was going to kick him out not enjoying the negative side effects of them.  But once he realiezed it, he took full responsibility and made every effort not to let them effect him in a negative way.  And he did a great job.  He was once again the perfect hubby/daddy, however he had lots and lots of energy!  He slept only a few hours a night.  Would clean, do laundry, help out with the kids, cleaned out our garage.  

 

I wish I had a before picture of the garage because it was bad!  But I only have an after picture.

 

And even re-did our whole backyard.

 Here are a few before pictures of our dirt back yard. 

 

 

 

Starting to dig the whole for the pool.

 

The big hole for the pool we sunk in the ground.

The pool.

 

And the best part...the after pictures.

 

So the steroids actually turned out to be a good thing for my "honey do list".

(P.S. You can hire JB Lawns for a makeover of your back yard also. )

 

Oh and did I mention the steroids made him eat like a champ!!  These are my sisters famous rice krispie treats that she surprised Justin with on vacation. 

 

 

But in the mist of brain surgeries, radiation treatments, and many doctor appointments we were still able to try to enjoy a nice summer with the kids.  We took a mini-vacation with my sister Chelsy and her hubby and her daughter to Orlando for two nights and to Sea World. 



 

 

 

 

The kids went to VBS at our church and had a great time.

 

 

 

We visited Adventure Island and Busch Gardens at least a few times since we are pass holders.

 

 

 

 

Jayden had his 6^th Birthday party at Treasure Island Fun Center. 

 

 

 

 

And we got to spend lots of time with my niece and nephews from Tennessee.

 

 

And before you know it we were school shopping for back to school supplies.

Hope is in 3^rd grade at Keswick Christian and is doing great!

 

 

Jayden is in 1^st Grade this year at Seminole Elementary and is doing great also!

 

 

And Keegan is home with mommy keeping me busy and driving me crazy is full of energy!  He truely is such a love bug.  And we have fun together. 

 

But Keegan and I sure do miss Hope and Jayden during the day.  We had such a fun summer being home all together.  I'm one of those moms that Love to have my kids home during the summer. I miss them dearly when they are at school.  But its such a relief to know that they both love school and have wonderful teachers! 

 

Justin was having some side effects.    Things we didn’t think were normal.  So his doctor had us come in last week to get a checkup.  We went over everything with the doctor and she said they all seem to be normal side effects.  She reminded us that he just had brain surgery only 2 months ago and it basically threw his whole body into shock so it’ll take time for everything to feel normal again.  So that was definitely a sigh of relief.  Any little side effect that comes up is hard for us both to automatically not think the worse and let our heads go to the worst case scenario.   So the reassurance from the doctor was a nice relief.  However she can’t guarantee anything till his next MRI scan of his head which will be on September 26^th.  That will tell us if the surgery was successful and if the two separate radiation treatments were successful.  So that is our big prayer now.  For some it’s just another date.  But for us, September 26^th is in the back of our heads every moment of every day.  It can’t come soon enough! 

For those of you who are friends with Justin on Facebook you will see that he is overall doing great.  He is grapping on tight to the Lord like I’ve never seen in the past.    I know many of you enjoy his writings, as so do I, but I know those are for him.  It’s what keeps him positive and gives him such a peace.   But he still has his days which is only normal I would think.    

Me on the other hand.   I definitely have been struggling more.  Depression and Anxiety have been something I’ve dealt with in the past and it’s something that I’ve been struggling with recently.  It keeps trying to knock at my door.  One too many times a day.  I try to keep ignoring it but the truth of the matter is some days I’m just tired of fighting it and I fail big time.  I guess I get scared, which leads to worry, which leads to anxiousness which leads to a downward spiral if you allow it.  But my fears are out of my control.  And it’s in the control of the same God who created the heavens and the earth.  The same God who knows how many hairs are on my head.  And the same God who promises never to leave me nor forsake me.    These ugly feelings are something that only God can release me of and it’s just allowing him to carry the burden for me and to release the control of those worries completely over to him.    And when I do that I feel Gods peace and joy.   Nothing else in this life can give you the peace and joy that comes from our heavenly Father.

And with that I leave you a verse.  Nehemiah 8:10b “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” And isn’t that the truth.  What strength, peace and joy we have from the Lord when we allow him to carry our burdens. 

I hope you all had a wonderful summer and may Gods Joy fill your heart today.  I will try to update as soon as we find out about his results on September 26^th.  Thank you all for the continued support and prayers.

Brain Surgery July 3rd, 2012

I’m tired, drained, and emotional spent today and I’ve kept putting off the blog update but this is something little I can give back to all you wonderful people who have been praying for my husband.  I wanted to update you and say thank you so much for the prayers because Justin’s surgery was successful.  Now define successful…..I think my definition of successful has changed within the past year.  But in other words, he made it out of surgery alive even though they had a few scares with his oxygen and they were able to remove the whole tumor without his brain popping out of his head (Yes that was the doctor’s words.  Apparently his brain was trying to come out of his head.   But the doctor said she was somewhat prepared for that to happen so they were able to work quickly, give him some drugs, and keep it contained in his head)  So that is the success.

Monday night before surgery, right before we put the kids down for bed, Justin called me and the three kids out to the living room.  He prayed with us all and for the surgery and then we did communion together as a family of 5.  It was such a special time.

Justin and I went in Tuesday morning with such peace about everything.  Neither of us were scared or anxious and I know it’s because all of you prayer warriors had us lifted up.  We were both in great spirits.  Surgery was about 3 hours long and then he was taken to ICU were he stayed for the night.  Unfortunately I was not allowed to stay in ICU with him so I had to go home alone.   But I was back at his bedside early the next morning as the nurses were preparing to discharge him.  Yes, He went from brain surgery on Tuesday to ICU Tuesday night and by Wednesday mid-day they were sending us home.  I was just as shocked as you probably are reading this that they send cranial surgery patients home within 24 hours.  So after the nurse instructed me with everything that could happen with him and how to handle it and then gave me a list of his medications we were on our way home. 

Recovery hasn’t been easy.  He’s had terrible migraine type headaches, very fatigue and his right eye is spazzing with either loosing part of the vision or seeing flashes or other strange things.  But honestly it’s been the easiest, as far as pain, out of his 3 melanoma surgeries he has had. 

Wednesday when Justin was discharged was Fourth of July.  So he was able to be home with the kids to be part of the 4^th.  My sweet brother in law put on a firework display in our front yard while Justin sat inside and watched through the living room.  Yes this is the second year in a row he’s done this.  Last year we had just gotten home from Justin’s very first melanoma surgery when he had the skin graft.  He watched from the window as well.  We are praying this isn’t a tradition and that next year Justin can be out doing sparklers with the kids and letting off fireworks instead of watching from the window.

What’s next?  Well today we were back at Moffit at 6:45am to have another MRI and then to be fitted for his radiation mask.  This coming Tuesday they will be doing the one time zap of radiation to the tumor that they were not able to operate on.  This one dose of extremely high radiation is supposed to hopefully kill that tumor completely.  In about 3-4 weeks, once he has his staples removed and the surgery sight heals they will than do a five day radiation to the area of the tumor that they did remove during the operation.  This is to kill any of the microscopic malignant cells that could have been on the margins of the tumor that they removed.    And then he will have another pet scan in 3 months.

God has given us both such great peace throughout the whole thing.  But I think we are allowed to have some down days and today was definitely one of them for both of us.  It gets tiring driving an hour numerous, if not every day to Moffit, to sit in a waiting room with a bunch of sickly, bald cancer patients.  It’s hard to be stuck with IV’s numerous times a day and keep the smile on your face.  It’s rough watching your husband be in pain and feel miserable and not be able to do anything for him.  It’s discouraging sitting through appointments on what our next form of treatment or surgery is or our next option to prolong his life just a little bit longer.   It’s hard accepting the fact that this is reality.  And reality is my husband has cancer and we have to talk about what we need to do to prepare me and the kids if Justin were to pass.    But overall we both are doing exceptionally well and I know it’s because all of you have been praying.  We thank you for that!

Here he is right before he was taken back to surgery.

And this is right after surgery.

This is the art of brain surgery. 

Here are a couple pictures from the 4^th of July. 

Now you are probably wondering why Keegan is in Christmas pajamas and Hope looks like her hair hasn’t been brushed all day.  lol I had to giggle that night as I looked down at my kids.  Because those of you who know me well know that I use to be that crazy mom that went all out for holidays; I love holidays.  I always tried to have custom made outfits, yes even the boys, and their hair all done perfectly.  It’s amazing how much my life has changed this past year and Christmas pajamas on the 4^th of July might just explain a little. Lol

I love my sweet kids and some days they are the only thing to keep me going. 

And here’s daddy watching from the window for the second year in a row.  God love him.

I hope you all had a wonderful 4^th of July.  Even though we couldn’t go to the beach, attend any 4^th of July cookouts, or have the cutest custom made 4^th of July outfit; we still had a great evening together as a family.

I struggled to find a bible verse today that I wanted to leave you with, probably because of the mood I was in.  But I think of the one that first came to mind the day of Justins surgery.  It is Psalm 118:24 "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  No matter what our life brings us we have to remember that this is the day that the Lord has made and we are to rejoice and be glad even in the mist of trial.  Yes some days the rejoice is easier than others and honestly today I had to ask God to give me the joy so that I could rejoice today.  And other days, like this past Tuesday, the day of his surgery, I woke up with Joy in my heart and I had no problem rejoicing because I knew God was with my husband through the whole surgery and that everything would be okay.  And it was. So with that I leave you with Joy to rejoice because thats what we are called to do.

The latest.....

A lot has happened since the last post.  Justin completed his radiation on May 2^nd.   Even though he was still feeling crappy that day he was so very excited to be over with it.  It took about a month for all his side effects to wear off.  He has regained his taste buds since then; which I think was the most exciting part for him.  And his energy has returned.  His hair still has not grown back in the area that they radiated and it may never.  But the bright side is he only has to shave half his face now.  So that’s half the work.   He walked out on his last day of radiation with his mask and a diploma for completing it.  You know it sucked if they gave you a diploma for it. Lol   But thank the Lord we completed that hurdle.

About a week after he completed his treatment was our daughter, Hopes 8^th birthday.  She had a bug and garden party with her friends.  She dressed up as beautiful butterfly.  They all decorated flower pots and had lots of bug goodies.

Daddy was still sick for her actual birthday so she decided to postpone or birthday dinner out to Outback until daddy was feeling better and had his taste buds back.  Here’s a picture from the end of May when we were finally able to go celebrate as a family at Outback. 

The kids last day of school was June 6^th.  Hope completed 2^nd grade with straight E’s and nothing but positive words from all her teachers.  They call her smiley and ask me if she was born smiling.   Her teacher said she was such a joy to have this year.  Jayden graduated from Kindergarten.  He was so blessed to have such an amazing teacher and a wonderful year at Keswick.   I was a bit concerned with him going into Kindergarten because he is one of the youngest in his class.  But he far outdid his expectations and did an amazing job in Kindergarten.      Not only did he learn to read but also his clock, counting by 2’s, 5’s, 10’s and weekly he had a bible verse memorized.  He also learned his ABC’s in sign language and all the books of the bible in order.  I was beyond impressed with my little man!  He was so proud of himself at graduation but mommy and daddy were even prouder watching our son from the very front row.

And then after the last day of school we all jumped in the escalade together as a family and headed to Orlando for a short but much needed 3 night stay at the Nickelodeon hotel.  Yes it was very overcast and rained just about every night.  But for Justin that was perfect weather.  He’s not a big fan of being in the sun because of his situation so with the overcast skies it allowed us all to be down at the pool all day and not worry too much about the sun.  God knew we needed the clouds.    We had such a nice time as a family and it’s a small memory that will last forever.

So it’s been a busy couple months since I last posted.  But through it all we continued to have June 26^th in the back of our minds, the anticipation of Justin’s PET scan.  We discussed it quite often between the two of us and how we felt.   Sometimes it was just a thought.  Other days it was what felt like shortness of breath and the trembling of the heart.  But every day it was a battle of the mind that we had to continue to give to God.  However nothing can prepare you for the news we ended up receiving this past Tuesday, June 26^th. 

Tuesday morning, June 26^th the alarm went off at 5am.  First thing was to check the weather.  The night before we were told that the Howard Franklin was shut down due to the tropical storm Debby.  The Howard Franklin is the major bridge that we have to take to get to Moffitt.  Praise God though it had reopened.  So we thanked God for the first prayer answered and got ready and headed over.  We arrived at 7am for his first appointment which was his PET scan.  Justin was the very first patient that day and we were the very first ones in the waiting room.    The nurse took him back and let me know he would be done about 10am.  So I pulled out my IPad and started to fiddle around.  Took a few walks to the bathroom and a stroll around the hospital.  Finally 10am came and he was done with his first appointment for the day.  Next appointment was at 11:15am to see his Radiation doctor.  We thought this appointment was going to be just like the others were he would ask Justin how he was doing, touch his face a few times and then send him on his way.  However that wasn’t the case.  Dr Rau (his radiation doctor) came in and asked Justin how he was.  Justin said I’m doing great.  Energy has returned, taste buds have returned and he’s doing great.  The only complaint Justin had was his head is very sensitive to the touch.  Justin’s best way to describe it is, if he runs his fingers through the top of his head through his hair it’s a very uncomfortable feeling.  The Doctor than asked if he’s had any migraines.  Justin said “no.”  Dr Rau said “Really, No migraines?”  He then said “The reason I’m asking is because your pet scan from this morning shows that the cancer has spread to your brain”. 

Spread to his brain?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!  We were both speechless.  Not only because of the obvious but also because we weren’t expecting to get the PET scan results from that appointment.  We thought we heard that at our 3:30pm appointment with the oncologist.  Dr Rau said a few other things that I don’t remember and then sent us on our way.  We walked out of the room.  I was balling.  Justin was hugging me and we both were speechless. 

Our next appointment wasn’t till 2:30pm with the speech pathologist.  It was only 12pm at this point so we left Moffit and went to Chillis to get away.  I cried the whole way there and part of lunch.  We ordered all this food and hardly ate anything.  We were both in shock.  Couldn’t believe the news we just heard.  Why God?  Why again?  Hasn’t a year been long enough? 

2:30pm speech appointment went great.   They are happy that he never lost his swallowing skills and just reinforced to him that he needs to continue his jaw exercises.

And then the dreaded 3:30pm appointment with the oncologist.  As if arriving to that appointment wasn’t bad enough they had us wait in the waiting room for an hour!  I was so over waiting at this point.  But my husband reminded me that we need to be patient.  That they are here to help him and we need to not get upset about having to wait.  Errr   I hate when he’s right. Lol   Dr. Kuchakar (sp?), his oncologist finally came in around 4:30pm.  She confirmed what his radiation doctor had told him earlier that there is a tumor on his brain.  She wanted to get him in for an emergency MRI immediately following and then to meet with the neuro surgeon the next morning.   She said surgery is our best bet and that there may be some clinical trial drugs that she can give him but that we would discuss that at a later point after surgery.   She than sent us down for the emergency MRI. 

We finally arrived home at 9:15pm that night.  We were the first to walk into Moffitt and the very last to leave.  This was me by the end of the night in the empty waiting room. 

Yesterday, we meant with the neuro doctors and neuro surgeon.  We love them.  They are a great team and we felt very comfortable about everything.  They took time to explain our options, the pros and cons of all the options and were very detailed.  We left that appointment with all our answers answered and a clear idea with what was happening next and why.  Unfortunately they informed us though that Justin didn’t have just one but TWO malignant tumors in his brain.  One is about 1.6 cm and is operable.  The other one is smaller but is not operable because of its location.  Removing the smaller one is life threatening because of its location.   So after being thoroughly given our 3 options, we chose the most highly recommended option, which is to surgically remove the large one and then have five days of radiation to the area.  And then the second tumor they will do a one time zap of radiation to it and hopefully kill the whole tumor.  The doctors are 95% confident that this will get rid of both tumors completely. 

So with that being said, surgery is scheduled for tomorrow, June 29^th.  We will arrive at Moffitt at 5 am, and surgery is scheduled to begin at 7 am.  It’s roughly a 4 hour surgery.  Immediately following his surgery, he will be in ICU for 24 hours and then scheduled to be released and sent home on Saturday, June 30^th.  Believe it or not this will be his least painful surgery out of the 3 he has had so far.  Reason being is there are no nerves in your brain, so the only pain he will feel will be at the incision where the staples will be.  The only side affect of the surgery is possible peripheral view of his eye sight.  And within a week or so he’ll be feeling good. 

The doctors are still giving him a good prognosis.  They said even though melanoma is very aggressive, there are so many new drugs out that are very successful for melanoma.  So as long as we have options and strength to keep trying, then we won’t give up. 

And then my poor kids…it seems like just about every time daddy starts to be feeling better we get bad results and he’s back in surgery.  Daddy told both kids individually last night.  Hope’s response was, “It’s in your brain???” with a confused look on her face.  She then said, “Daddy, I’ve never seen a brain before.”  So she didn’t’ seem to be bothered too much.   Jayden on the other hand was affected a little bit more.  When Daddy told him he just got very quiet and took a big gulp, as though he was holding back tears.  Justin asked him if he was okay, and he said, “Daddy, I’m very sad for you.”  Justin reassured him that everything would be okay.  And then Keegan, well he has just really missed his Mommy.  For those of you who know Keegan, you know that he just adores my Mom, which he calls “wawa”.  But the last few days, we’ve been at Moffitt for what seems like 24/7, and he’s been crying for Mommy.   Justin and I have always liked to keep as much as possible quite about the cancer around the kids.  We don’t want them to worry.  We want them to be able to have a carefree life.  But after today, Justin and I accepted the fact that we will probably be dealing with this for the rest of his life, however long or short that may be, so it’s probably about time they learn to accept it and deal with it.  The chances of his cancer returning are very likely and even more so to the brain. 

It’s been a lot to gulp.  Justin is doing amazing.  His spirits are so positive and up.  Not sure if it’s hit him yet, as it’s been a whirlwind these last two days.  Tuesday morning we woke up great with life.  And now tomorrow morning, he is having emergency brain surgery.  So not sure that either of us have processed too much yet. 

We’ve been at pre-op the majority of today.  And it’s started to hit me a little more.  We sat in the neuro waiting room today with a very sweet couple.  The wife was blonde and perky and immediately started a conversation with us.  Her husband sat next to her, and he was barely holding on to life.  He has survived 10 years since his first brain tumor.  He has had 3 brain surgeries since then, and 10 years later, you could tell he was on his last days.  They had 3 kids and a love for each other that was very evident.  But she also spoke with confidence in her words that she knew he was on his last days, but she felt so blessed t o have had him these last 10 years.  He was only 50.  I could barely say goodbye to the sweet couple, because I was doing everything I could to keep it together.  I’m coming to the realization that that is us.  It hurts my heart more than anything else.  10 years is a long time for some.   But I’m selfish of my husband’s life, and 10 years isn’t long enough.  Justin is only 32. 

But this is where our faith comes in.  I don’t know what God holds for our future.  But I do know that He has a purpose for everything.  And even though I don’t like dealing with this, I have chosen to give all my fears and anxieties to God and trust.  It’s a daily battle. 

Just and I love and adore each other.  And we’ve enjoyed our time together this pas year.  Even this week, in between the tears, we have laughed so hard together.  The Lord has given me a husband who not only loves the Lord but loves life.  He has chosen to accept where God has him and face it with a joyful spirit.

So with all that being said, I’m exhausted.  Time to hit the bed before our 3:30 am alarm goes off.  I thank you for the prayers during his surgery tomorrow.  I will update again as soon as I can.

And I leave you with a verse. I Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus."

I’ve learned that sometimes blessings are disguised by trials.  God sometimes gives us trials, so that we can see the blessings in the end and know that only God could have done it.  So that as a result we are forced to keep our eyes on Him, trust Him completely, and in the end thank Him and give Him the glory.  Which makes it all worth it in the end.  So today I’m choosing to thank God for the many blessings He has given us.  Just to wake up next to my hubby another day is a huge blessing, and to have 3 beautiful healthy kids and a roof over our heads.  There are people in Colorado who have lost everything this week due to fires.  So let us not forget how much we are blessed and the endless list of things we have to be thankful for.  And if we keep our eyes focused on the many blessings, it’s amazing how much our perspective can change. 

And as you say a prayer for Justin, I ask that you not only life up the families in Colorado who have lost everything to fires, but also for Kelli and Ryan. Two different very young individuals who are also fighting cancer currently also.  Good night and love to you all.